The other day I attended an informational session put on by my HMO. They were supposed to be giving their patients new information about the medical plans for 2016. The main presenter obviously knew his material, and he had a keen understanding of the computer and his Power Point slide presentation.

However, he didn’t know the first thing about using a microphone. And neither did his young, attractive, well-endowed female assistant.

Here’s what I have observed in my many years as a barbershop quartet lead. Other than actors, singers, and televangelists, most people HATE to use a microphone. Apparently, ordinary folks fear the microphone; they act as though it will bite. Perhaps they think it will magnify their flaws and make them appear ugly … or stupid. I’ve seen amateur speakers shun the microphone and claim they’ll just talk louder, and this while they’re in front of a massive ballroom filled with hundreds and hundreds of people. Of course, their message––whether good, bad, or indifferent––is lost.

Most amateurs fear the microphone so much that when it is thrust at them, each (whether man or woman) will clutch it in front of his chest as though holding a golden cross to ward off vampires. In fact, “eating” the microphone (i.e., putting your lips practically on top of the mic) will allow a speaker to use less force and actually sound sexier, or more mellow. Of course, with lips very close to the microphone, one must be careful of plosives––those consonants like B and P which explode with puffs of air as we talk. That can cause a popping sound in the loudspeaker that is quite annoying to listeners.

By the way, another VERY annoying microphone problem is feedback. You know, it’s that screeching sound that sometimes occurs and no one seems to know what’s causing it. Often, it’s an incorrect setting on the “gain,” or volume, but usually it’s the result of having the amplifiers/speakers in BACK of the mic rather than in front of them. (That’s why it’s called feedBACK.)

Another problem I’ve noticed with an amateur’s use of a microphone is moving the head back and forth while talking. That’s okay; after all, you want to make eye contact with people on both sides of the center aisle. However, one must let the mic follow the mouth. Otherwise, the audience hears this: “The most important change for 2016 is….murmur, murmur, murmur…but that won’t be problem for those of you who…murmur, murmur, murmur.”

“What? What change? Do I have a problem? What should I do?” In desperation you cup your hand to your ear to help hear what the guy is saying, but it’s too late.

Those of us who were taught by teachers who knew something about elocution moan about the fact that younger people today are impossible to understand, even for those of us with PERFECT hearing. I’ve taken a poll; all of my friends agree with me. Young people talk too fast and they keep their mouths nearly closed when they talk, as though they fear a swarm of gnats is gathering nearby, preparing to attack the first open orifice.

So, in conclusion, when you have to speak or perform in public for a large audience, DO NOT FEAR the microphone. Grab it and bring it close to you, as you would a lover. Place your mouth close to it, almost kissing it. Pretend you’re eating a chocolate fudge mint peanut butter ice cream cone and you want to keep it close so your five-year-old won’t grab it and feed it to the dog. And speak more slowly than normal; don’t be afraid to open your mouth and articulate clearly.

I may get critical comments from Michael Bublé, but I have to say this has worked for me in using hand-held microphones. But better yet, ask for one of those mics you put over your ear and Scotch tape to the side of your face. It may hurt when you’re done and have to pull off the tape, but your audience will hear you. And the applause makes up for all the pain.